2. Transformational Stories

  3. The Identity of the Avoider


The Identity of the Avoider

by Ms. Keiko Higashiyama, Wedding Planner, Japan

When you hear the word “evade” or a phrase like “running away from things you can’t deal with”, what image comes to your mind? Many people may come up with negative images like “irresponsible”, “coward”, or “lazy”. So, when, where and how did we come up with these notions? This process may hold an important key to understanding what has influenced your life.

“Avoidance Is a Bad Thing” — What Impact Did Her Background Have in All of This?

My family consists of my husband, our three children, my mother and myself. At first we had a peaceful family life, but eventually there was a restlessness in the air which evolved into conflicts and finally, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Looking back now, my story began with this statement and ended up with the rebirth of our family. If I had not found Miross, I would have definitely chosen the option of divorce.

As long as I can remember, my parents were always quarreling, mainly because of money problems. When I was in third grade, my father drove himself into debt. We were always afraid of a constant stream of phone calls from debt collectors and their shouting heard through the door of our house. There was nothing we could do but hold our breath and wait for them to leave. My father was responsible for all this, but he was never home. To me, it looked like he was just running away from this horrible situation.

Meanwhile, I developed an image of my parents: my mother, a female, is a protector, and my father, a male, is an evader. In contrast to my father, my mother was determined to face the painful situation, and began to work to repay the debts. She was a strong and independent woman.

Eventually, I got married and had three children. They were boys and so I often wanted to talk to my husband about how I should treat them. But shortly afterwards, he was transferred to a location away from us.

My growing boys often caused problems at school. But I could not ask my husband for help or rely on him; he was an unreliable husband who was not present in an emergency. These circumstances strengthened my belief that females are protectors and males are evaders.

“I cannot talk to him. And when I try, he does not listen to me and certainly doesn’t understand me.” I was in debt at that point but I kept it a secret. Instead, I got a job outside for the first time.

Encounter with Miross — Finally Understanding the Identity of the Avoider

I sighed and thought, “Why did my family become like this?”

Fortunately, I encountered Miross and figured out the answer while attending the academy.

During a lecture, I remembered something. One day when I was a first grader, I did not feel like going to school and I lied to my mother to avoid going to school. But she saw through my lie and did not allow me to stay home. Even worse, not only I was forced to go to school but also was made to sit at the front of the class as a punishment.

“Avoidance is a bad thing. Don’t avoid anything. Don’t depend on anyone.” ─ This became my rule, and as I watched my father avoiding and my mother not avoiding, this concept rooted deeper and deeper within me. Eventually, I was watching everything with the eyes through which I had seen my parents. As a result, my relationship with my father carried over to my relationship with my husband, specifically, he became a man who avoids, and I resumed the role of my mother.

When I was able to identify who the Avoider really was (see below), I was not only shocked by this realization but was also filled with an incredible feeling of freedom.

I also realized that nobody, including my father, mother, husband, or even myself, was to blame. It was simply because all of these people did not know the “system.”

The World You See is the Reverse of Your Inside

When I understood this fact, all my problems suddenly ended. One of my sons, who tended to shut himself off from society after graduating from high school, voluntarily started job hunting and helped me with the household chores. Furthermore, my husband, who previously avoided everything, not only tried to reduce the household expenditures but also used words of appreciation when speaking to me. At the same time, my feelings toward him changed dramatically, and my thoughts of divorce completely disappeared. Moreover, I was able to find a great job and enjoy working among wonderful colleagues.

No matter how complicated your interpersonal relationships may be, they can be changed in a magical instant, just by understanding the pattern of your behaviors through the Miross system. You don’t have to try to change others. Miross enabled her to end the pattern that had been passed down through generations.

What do you think about this story? Who actually was the Evader? She said she despised avoidance but her situation was reversed according to the system of the world, and she became someone who avoids everything, like that of her father and husband.

Above all, she was surprised to find out that she actually was the one who was avoiding, the action that she disliked so much. She appeared to be trying to tackle her problems, but the moment she had to confront them, she avoided communication and escaped to her job. The Evader was not her father or her husband, but herself.