In this life, we chose the same parents and met as sisters.　I’ve always felt guilty about my sister. But now I’m free from the curse of believing I had to make myself feel guilty in order to exist. And I’m grateful to be touched by my own existence for the first time.

When I was 21, I was chosen as Miss Asahikawa at a summer festival event in Asahikawa, Hokkaido, where I was born and raised. I’ve actually kept this sealed up inside myself, but I’m finally daring to tell you about it. As Miss Asahikawa, I spent the next year working and promoting tourism for Asahikawa City. I was treated like a VIP as I toured all over Japan.

But the whole time I thought I shouldn’t glorify myself in this way. It was a self-imposed curse: “I must never be happy.” Because of this, the glory lost its luster and became “just a thing of the past.” I never even spoke of it to the Miross fellowship.

So why did I curse myself by rejecting happiness? Because I was born healthy while my elder sister is mentally disabled. It’s inherently unfair that I have everything my sister doesn’t.
So to balance it out, I made a bond with myself to forgo any more happiness.

“I feel sorry for her because she can’t do anything. But you on the other hand can do anything if you just try.” I heard these words over and over again from our mother. I couldn’t get them out of my head. The guilt began to take over my life, coloring the joy and pleasure that I should have experienced as a woman, as well as the normal things in life, such as going to school and playing with friends. “I’m sorry I took everything from you.”

And yet, I was constantly tormented by feelings of jealousy toward my older sister, who took away all my parents’ love, although I wasn’t aware of it at the time. This happened whenever my sister, who lived apart from us in a facility, would return home during the Obon and New Year’s holidays. “What shall we play this time?” I was an elementary school student looking forward to her coming home.  On the other hand, I wanted to bully her for some reason, and I actually did bully her when my mother wasn’t around. Every time I did that, I blamed myself saying, “I who cannot be kind to my sister is a bad person” and thus I kept strengthening feelings of guilt.

One episode that happened long ago will never be erased from my memory. After dinner, when my sister said, “I’ll do the dishes,” my parents were overjoyed to see her growth in maturity and applauded. The next day after dinner, my mother asked, “Can you do the dishes again?”  She replied, “I don’t like to do it! Let Michi (me) do it!” My parents again applauded her tone of command, as if they were pleased to hear a three-year-old say something so forward. My sister’s attitude had changed from the day before, and her emotions had changed from just a few minutes ago. Yet, she was always accepted by our parents, no matter what. The truth is that I was hatefully jealous of her special treatment. But because I already believed that I was depriving her of happiness, I suppressed my feelings and tried not to feel anything.

In contrast to my sister, I grew up repressing my feelings, despite my heart crying, “Somebody understand how I feel!” I pretended on the surface that nothing was wrong, but my negative feelings had become like a block of hard ice. I was always hiding a seething anger deep in my heart without realizing it.

To release this difficulty, I took the Life Course and the Miross Intensive Course, guided by Ms. Hiroko Maki. In the curriculum, I had always looked at my two shut-in children or my relationship with my husband. But now for the first time I was looking at my sister. The instructor’s message—”At last, the time has come!”—made me cry so hard.

Then she questioned me: “Do you feel sorry for your sister? And what exactly is that pity?”
What? My mind went blank. Everyone decides their own story and chooses their own parents.
I had heard this, but I didn’t understand it at all.

“My sister was born with a story of her own choosing.” “Why do I feel sorry for her?”
“She was born with everything she needed!” “That’s right! Then why do I think that I took everything away from her?”

Since childhood, I’ve faced the cold eyes of people looking at my sister. That was really painful for me. But my sister didn’t care about those eyes or anything else. In truth, I realized that the eyes of other people are the way I look at myself. My sister simply lives her life as it is, Arugamama.

My sister is a precious being born to combine with me and make me a neutral being.  I felt that it was perfect just the way it was. I had a somewhat positive view of perfection, but I realized that this feeling was neither superior nor inferior. “My sister never told me I shouldn’t be happier than she is.” “In truth, my sister would want me to be happy.” “I shouldn’t be happier than my sister. I’m always in second place.” At this point, I ended my past of being a shut-in.

I couldn’t stop crying when I heard the message from the instructor: “Your sister is Arugamama! You are Miss Arugamama”  I was finally able to accept myself for being chosen as Miss Asahikawa over 30 years ago.

The title of the Miross Intensive Course, “The Impulse to Save the Poor: The Truth Behind It,” is a perfect theme for me. I didn’t realize that helping a disadvantaged person came from an impulse to relieve my low self-esteem, guilt and sense of worthlessness! “You’re projecting your pathetic inability to save yourself onto someone else!”

Because I didn’t understand this, my guilt only grew and my self-esteem remained low. Now that I know the truth of the world of reversal, I have no choice but to live my life as ONE, as I am! Breaking into your own universe is so much fun! What kind of interesting being am I really? I want to know! I’m so happy to have been born as her sister! I could accept everything that I’ve done so far.

The day of the Miross lesson was Mother’s Day. “Let’s celebrate by drinking sake together!”. My husband bought us a sumptuous sashimi plate, and we had a wonderful time together. Many times, my husband had given my family and me all kinds of surprises to make us happy. Yet there was no gratitude there at all from me. But beginning with this year’s Mother’s Day, there’s joy in giving love and joy in receiving love. I’ve come to feel this eternal and unwavering happiness.

Mr. Rossco, Ms. Midori, dear Programmer, and instructor Maki, thank you so much for everything you do for us. Life is so much fun to live because my life is so different! I’ll write separately about my impressions of the new book “New Sense of Identity.”

Finally, Instructor Maki suggested that I should attach a picture of Miss Asahikawa Unfortunately, I don’t have a photo on hand, so instead I’m submitting a newspaper clipping that my cousin mailed to me, which she carefully kept until it faded away.