For the first time in 20 years, I have a boyfriend! ～Beyond the fear of men ～
For the first time in 20 years, I have a boyfriend! ～Beyond the fear of men ～By Ms. M.O, Company employee, Kochi, Japan
I finally have a boyfriend! When I started seeing him, I couldn’t imagine anything but happiness especially since this time, I know Mirros. That’s how I thought it would always be, but I was very wrong. The more serious the relationship got, the more fearful I became.
“Does he really love me?” I thought. “Or is he using me?” “Maybe he just wants a Japanese spouse visa. Or maybe it’s a marriage scam to get money from me?” ”What if he’s a human or organ trafficker?” “He may kill me.” “I could be extorted.” “Maybe he has a wife back home and I’m just a patsy for money.” “What if he’s a Russian spy?”
Yes, I know it sounds crazy but I could go on endlessly. I was paranoid and scared. Perhaps I’ve watched too many movies. But the fear and anxiety of the delusion was strangely realistic, and my heart started pounding.
When he moved in with me, having packed up all his stuff and come to my house, my fear hit a breaking point and I exploded at him! He said, “You don’t trust me. Trust is everything in a relationship. I can’t do this with you anymore. You’re out of your mind, mentally ill.” Then he packed up and left.
I knew it, I thought. As long as I have this fear of him, I can’t trust myself and I can’t trust him. I don’t love myself, and I don’t love him. That means he can’t love me either. I know that! But no matter what I do, I can’t stop feeling scared!
Why am I unable to trust men to such an extent? Why is it that when I meet a wonderful man and feel bliss and peace with him, fear soon takes over? Why do I feel this way when I’ve finally met him! I can’t ever get married like this! But why? When I thought this, I was reminded of something.
When I was 19 years old, I moved to Tokyo for college. Tokyo was the place of my dreams, and being a country girl, everything was new and exciting. I enjoyed college life. Then I met a man at my part-time job. He was a 26-year-old punk at the time, but he was very kind and we were attracted to each other. We didn’t want to be apart, even for a moment, and we soon moved in together.
He was wonderful at first, but after two years of living together, he became more and more of a degenerate. Mahjong, pachinko, gambling. He started living off of me, and the money I earned at my night job flew away.
I finally got to the point where I could no longer respect him, and I broke it off. Suddenly his whole personality changed. He looked like the devil. “Screw you!” he said. “I’m gonna make you pay for this. Give me a million yen as compensation!”
I felt like I was seeing his true nature as a thug. I was so scared that I got down on my knees and apologized. I cried and apologized over and over again, but he wouldn’t forgive me. “I’ll get you for this! I’ll make you, your mother, and your sister all work in a brothel.” His threats and blackmail continued from there. I was so desperate I wanted to die. But even if I died, he would still haunt my sister and mother. I felt like I was in a hell with no way out, and I didn’t know how to escape.
Eventually, after visiting several student loan companies, I managed to pull together one million yen and gave it to him. (I didn’t want to tell my parents because I didn’t want them to worry.) Then he asked for another 300,000. Frantically, I managed to get the money and gave that to him too. He seemed to have his fill then, so he packed up his stuff and left.
When I flash back to those memories from 20 years ago, I know what I was afraid of. I was afraid that he, whom I loved, would go back to being a pimp. I was afraid that my love for him would die then. And I was afraid that I would go through hell again.
I thought, “Men are there to threaten me, use me, and blackmail me!” Looking back, I realized I hadn’t had a proper boyfriend since then. I only dated married men, because the idea of facing a single guy was my greatest fear.
After all I was using a complex about my appearance as an excuse for me to protect myself so that I wouldn’t have to get close to men. I was simply afraid of men! But I thought I could understand some things as I practice Miross now. I went on to look at my relationship with him through the Miross system, and I realized the following:
・My sense of worthlessness made him a pimp.
・I felt guilty about my change of heart and tried to make up for it by paying him.
・I couldn’t forgive myself for not being able to love him anymore.
・Two people who are starved for love and see themselves as worthless are drawn to each other.
・I was the one who broke up with him, but he had an unconscious desire to break up with me.
Then I remembered something. I remembered that at the beginning he’d been very kind to me. He spent a lot of money to take me to a nice spa and bought me lots of things. He even took care of my friends. I remembered the many things he’d done for me, and I knew for certain that he had cared about me.
When you attack someone, it’s because you’ve become a victim. He hated me enough to want me to feel hell. That’s how sad he was. He took 1.3 million yen from me. But I realized that there had been times when he’d spent an equal amount of money on me. If you look at it from a different perspective, you could say that I was the perpetrator and he was the victim. Well then, I thought, I don’t need to make a fuss about it anymore.
Everyone just wants to be loved, and we were simply people who couldn’t love ourselves. But it couldn’t be helped. We didn’t know Mirros at the time. We didn’t know how to love ourselves or others. No one was to blame. That’s what I realized.
Putting an end to my past of 20 years ago, I told my boyfriend who had just left after a fight about my feelings honestly, and he said he understood.
“The past doesn’t exist. You have to live in the present for your own happiness,” I heard him say to me as if he were the voice of God, the Programmer. And I was able to make up with him. At that very time, the Mirros Laboratory of Love, Marriage, and Couples held an event. I was invited to appear at the “Marriage Festa 2021” as one of the speakers, and I shared the experience of my past relationship for the first time. It took so much courage to do that but I was able to show up and tell my story in public.
In fact I truly hoped that my experience would mean something to someone else. After the event, I received even more than I had given. Hearing feedback from the people at the lab, I felt that it was my mission to help people rebuild marriages! That’s why I had kept having heartbreaks and affairs! That’s why I’d been suffering all this time! That was the message I received within me.
The next day, on the very last day of a Miross program called Life Course, it happened. Right after the lesson, my boyfriend sent me a message. Suddenly, amid our usual exchange of messages, I read, “Let’s get married.” “What?” I was so surprised that I couldn’t help sharing it in the Mirros life course group chat. One person messaged, “He’s proposing to you!” I wrote back, “What??? Oh my god!!! Is this a marriage proposal?” I was so surprised. It was the first time in my life that a man had proposed to me.
But then .. fear came over me once again. The ego always forces you to see only the past or the future. It can’t allow you to be in the present, and it doesn’t simply let you receive what pleases you or makes you happy. All you need to do is continue practicing Mirros from here on out. I’ll share what happened afterwards with you later. I don’t think I could have ever faced men for the rest of my life if I hadn’t known the wisdom called Mirros.
I am so thankful!